Today has been a very difficult day. I slept intermittently and very poorly last night and eventually got up at 5.35am because I couldn't bear to lie in bed trying to get back to sleep for any longer. When this happens, I feel rotten all day: too tired and miserable and totally lacking in energy. The weight of the world seems to bear down on me, all the difficult things in my life loom up and overwhelm me and I can't make them go away. Also, it makes me a bit scared because as a teenager I had a neurological condition which began to rear its ugly head again a few years ago and the symptoms were traced to an irregular and poor sleeping pattern, so I gave up working night shifts and try to look after my sleep. Fortunately, I had kept my diary clear today, as I always try to on Mondays, so I could go back to bed when I really needed to, which was shortly after midday. Today's weather hasn't been good enough to engender any feeling of wellbeing, just cold and, later on, wet.
So today it has been hard to find anything positive. I have been tired, miserable and guilty because I haven't been able to get enough chores done - having said that, I have just realised that I have cooked dinner, washed up, sorted the recycling and run a load of laundry, so perhaps I shouldn't feel as guilty as I do, but I have a busy week ahead and I like to get ahead of myself on Mondays, which I haven't. I am trying to catch up with "Meet the Ukippers" on the BBCiplayer and as usual, it is virtually unwatchable as it keeps pausing every few seconds. I really want to watch "Broadchurch" but I can't because the Best Beloved has gone out and we are recording it so that we can watch it together later. My birthday flowers are starting to go over. I am likely to dissolve into tears at any moment and the Best Beloved isn't here to look after me.
So it's really important to find something positive today. SOMETHING. And as I look up, I can see a large clam shell which I picked up on the beach on Saturday. My children will be amazed to hear that I only brought one shell home as I can't resist shells and usually bring home a pocketful, but Saturday was such a perfect day that I only needed one perfect shell. I am sorry that there is no photo, perhaps when February is over I shall do a whole post about my shells, I have had some of them for more than forty years. But sitting here now, looking at this shell, I am transported back to that beach, to the blue sky and the yellow sand and the dunes and the light on the sea and the sound of the waves and the temporary absence of anxiety and the happiness. That's why I need to bring shells home.
I am off now for a bit of a cry. I'll see you tomorrow, I hope.
Love, Mrs Tiggywinkle x